Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
I love Jesus. I miss Him. I need more.
I've found myself mulling over what Jesus looks like, imagining that day when I can finally be with Him. But tonight was different, it went beyond that for me- way beyond that. I was driving home from Molly's, listening (and by listening I mean singing at the top of my lungs while envisioning it all) to the song
Invisible Love
(number 5)
which starts out
And then my eyes start burning as if I'm cutting onions, and I can only hold one eye somewhat more open than the closed eye at a time. So I ask Jesus for help, and then pull over to cry for a bit. Back on the road I couldn't shake this. I MISS HIM SO MUCH! And just desire to be closer to Him, in a way I've never experienced before.
I pull into the driveway and see that my neighbor's are having a bonfire. And although I've never joined them before, and I wasn't invited, I felt the Lord leading me to join them. So. I did. The neighbor boy, Luke, was playing the guitar with his dad. I asked him if he knew any worship songs. As he played the first song, I was covered with goosebumps, even my face was crawling. Something was happening, shifting, shaking. We continued to sing unto the Lord together- Luke, his dad and I. It was so precious, so powerful, I love Jesus
Invisible Love
(number 5)
which starts out
If my arms could reach you, I would never let you go...and later has a verse:
Someday there will be no time to mindI was overcome with such longing in my heart. This DEEP place within me YEARNED for Jesus. It felt almost as if my soul became deeply aware that I've been with Jesus, fully completely, He and I. That we've known each other intimately, in and out. But now misses Him- SO MUCH. Like lovers unable to fully share their affection with each other with an ocean between them. I LONG FOR HIM. Almost to a point where it physically aches in my chest. So I tear up as desire to be with my love increases.
I will be your long awaited bride
We will dance away the night
And then my eyes start burning as if I'm cutting onions, and I can only hold one eye somewhat more open than the closed eye at a time. So I ask Jesus for help, and then pull over to cry for a bit. Back on the road I couldn't shake this. I MISS HIM SO MUCH! And just desire to be closer to Him, in a way I've never experienced before.
I pull into the driveway and see that my neighbor's are having a bonfire. And although I've never joined them before, and I wasn't invited, I felt the Lord leading me to join them. So. I did. The neighbor boy, Luke, was playing the guitar with his dad. I asked him if he knew any worship songs. As he played the first song, I was covered with goosebumps, even my face was crawling. Something was happening, shifting, shaking. We continued to sing unto the Lord together- Luke, his dad and I. It was so precious, so powerful, I love Jesus
Monday, August 2, 2010
Running toward forever
I've taken your hand.
We've been running this race.
Help me, O Lord keep up the pace.
The time is ticking,
we are on the clock.
Let's not stop running,
through to eternity, we'll never stop.
Good deeds with empty hearts,
that, I def. need not.
Fill this heart.,
Let it's over flow
flow over this nation, this continent, this world
for your Name's sake.
for your glory, may we never rest.
We've been running this race.
Help me, O Lord keep up the pace.
The time is ticking,
we are on the clock.
Let's not stop running,
through to eternity, we'll never stop.
Good deeds with empty hearts,
that, I def. need not.
Fill this heart.,
Let it's over flow
flow over this nation, this continent, this world
for your Name's sake.
for your glory, may we never rest.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Monday, November 16, 2009
I am no longer in Costa Rica, nor am i yet in Arizona. I'm just here - and I think I might need to combine all of these blogs because I'm thinking that a blog for each place will just be too much. Until I figure something out- I'll just write here....
I tend to only write when I can see the good things or the struggles in light of the good that I see, and when things are tough, refrain from writing.
SO
this needs to change....
yes i have gloves
but i toss them aside
touching the things of the earth,
the leaves, the dirt
mud covered hands,
surface level scratches,
your clean hand stretched to meet mine
with grace filled welcoming eyes.
an invitation
A simple greeting
a simple exchange
an offer to place my soiled hand in yours
I extend my arm
but give you my wrist
I'll give you my hand again
I know I will
teach me
with my mouth I speak
take my hand
take my heart
but letting go
means taking
hold
and i just don't know...
I tend to only write when I can see the good things or the struggles in light of the good that I see, and when things are tough, refrain from writing.
SO
this needs to change....
yes i have gloves
but i toss them aside
touching the things of the earth,
the leaves, the dirt
mud covered hands,
surface level scratches,
your clean hand stretched to meet mine
with grace filled welcoming eyes.
an invitation
A simple greeting
a simple exchange
an offer to place my soiled hand in yours
I extend my arm
but give you my wrist
I'll give you my hand again
I know I will
teach me
with my mouth I speak
take my hand
take my heart
but letting go
means taking
hold
and i just don't know...
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
My Open Heart Surgery
In the wee hours of the morning the Lord spoke beautifully to my heart. This is what He said, "A New Day, New Beginings (all caps- as though it was a title). New treasures to behold. Today I will unfold gems before your eyes- and it will be a glorious sight. You will see my glory shining through ____ (I felt a blank- there was something missing here... so I filled it for God with a name of someone who I thought I was going to minister to today). (She) will radiate....
Day continues.
Totally not thinking about what God had said.
He did speak it very early in the morning and a lot has happened since then.
All of a sudden I'm overcome with a NASTY headache that wipes me out, makes me nauseous to the point where I can't even stand. I lay down and cover my head. I rebuked the enemy, and my headache lifted for a brief moment, but then continued. I now realize that yes the source was of the enemy- but the enemy had rightfully gained entrance and place to camp out.... It started as a wound, which turned into agreements, which turned into a stronghold- a place where the enemy has legitimate ground. SO....
Through prayer Jesus revealed to me through some loving friends who were standing with me- that the tension in my body and my head was being caused by something that I was holding onto TIGHTLY. I knew this because earlier I tried to let go of everything, I named it all out- but even thought I had spoken surrender to the Lord, I still held onto them and the fear of the future in my heart.
A little background with my history of fear of the future... It took up WAY to much space in my life! I would always think "what if this...." "what if that..." "what would happen when..." sure I could jump a plane and start a new adventure, but those closest to me can bear witness to the anxiety and fear that loomed strongly with things as simple as packing or sleeping...
So with the culprit fear of the future identified, my friends left me with Jesus for a little open heart surgery....
Jesus.... where did this lie enter in-? that I have to hold onto things, that I fear the future, and need to figure things out to make sure I'm safe, where was the initial wound inflicted - I saw it so clearly, a memory that seems to be the root of several things that had operated in my life. I'm looking at the divorce papers on the kitchen table. As I see the image, I break down crying. I have the mindset of when I was eight. All the thoughts rushed in of "I have to be ahead of the game" "I need to know what's going on around me at all times to have control of what could happen" "I need to think of every possible thing that COULD happen- to be ready in any circumstance..." "I´m not going to be caught off guard, and hurt again..." I felt it all SO heavy on me....
Jesus... where are you? show me where you are in this scene... a few moments passed and I didn't see anything. I started to fear, so I asked again, this time a little more desperately
Jesus... where are you???? Then, all I could see was his garment, because he had his arms wrapped around me so tightly. He said "I want to love you." With his statement, I knew that I was holding onto something that wasn't allowing me to receive his love. -the fear-
So Jesus asked me "Can you give me this fear?" I broke down crying because my answer was "no", the fear was too great, its weight to much, and the fear of not being in control, and empty handed seemed overwhelming to this place that was only eight years old in my mind. As I sobbed, I felt layers of the heaviness lifting off of me, until I was able to say, "yes, I give you this fear of the future, I place it in your hands"
As I placed the fear in his hand, I felt the lightness of the freedom that comes with it, and Jesus said, "I want to lavish you with my love" I felt so free, and like I was receiving his love for the first time to some areas of my heart. This goes along perfectly with the song that I was singing over and over this morning:
"All consuming fire, your our hearts desire, living flame of love, come baptize us, come baptize us... let us fall more in love with you... I want to know how high, how deep, how wide, is love love love"
With the wound healed, it was easy to clean up what remained of the crumbling stronghold.... First, I asked for forgiveness for holding onto the fear, and believing the lies. Then I renounced, rejected, and rebuked the lies and the things that were feeding them. I asked the Holy Spirit to come and deal with anything that was still present.
I felt the tension in my back lifting and in its place warm spots- I could tell that God was using the heat of his fire to burn away anything that the enemy used to hold onto in regards to this.
When Kristy came back to see how I was- everything had lifted except for a pressure and headache at the very top of my head. She had sensed it, and knew and shed light on what it was about.
I had made a decision that I was going to find a man who was going to love me, and I was going to make it work, because I wouldn't be left alone. All dreaming about my future husband, and focusing on that was this weight that God doesn't want me to carry. He want to give me a man who is on fire and madly in love with Jesus, who will treasure me, and pursue my heart, without me needing to look for it...
So we reversed that decision, and I surrendered control about my future husband to Jesus, something that I have been trying to do for MONTHS. It's gone it's in his hands.
There is no more fear of the future- IT'S GONE. All worries GONE. There is just this peace, this stillness, and as I saw oil dripping all over me, God just whispered, "Be still, and know that I am God....Be still.... you will be able to hear my voice more clearly, because the worry that cluttered your mind is now gone."
I feel SO FREE!
I was so grateful and so full of joy I started to write this poem, that one day will be a song...
Free to love
Free to live
as my Lord Jesus did
Not worrying about today
Not worrying about tomorrow
living by His grace for this day
with hope of treasures to follow
lavished with love
no fear in sight
I can depend on my sovereign Lord's might
Freedom reigns where His Spirit is
His Spirit DWELLS WITHIN me
What a glorious restoration besought
A story of true intimacy and love unfolding before my eyes
what once was not clear - now with no trace of cloud in the sky
LIFE
LOVE
FREEDOM
After writing this God told me to look at what I had written earlier today
"A New Day, New Beginings (all caps- as though it was a title). New treasures to behold. Today I will unfold gems before your eyes- and it will be a glorious sight. You will see my glory shining through YOU (The blank space is ME!). YOU will radiate....
Day continues.
Totally not thinking about what God had said.
He did speak it very early in the morning and a lot has happened since then.
All of a sudden I'm overcome with a NASTY headache that wipes me out, makes me nauseous to the point where I can't even stand. I lay down and cover my head. I rebuked the enemy, and my headache lifted for a brief moment, but then continued. I now realize that yes the source was of the enemy- but the enemy had rightfully gained entrance and place to camp out.... It started as a wound, which turned into agreements, which turned into a stronghold- a place where the enemy has legitimate ground. SO....
Through prayer Jesus revealed to me through some loving friends who were standing with me- that the tension in my body and my head was being caused by something that I was holding onto TIGHTLY. I knew this because earlier I tried to let go of everything, I named it all out- but even thought I had spoken surrender to the Lord, I still held onto them and the fear of the future in my heart.
A little background with my history of fear of the future... It took up WAY to much space in my life! I would always think "what if this...." "what if that..." "what would happen when..." sure I could jump a plane and start a new adventure, but those closest to me can bear witness to the anxiety and fear that loomed strongly with things as simple as packing or sleeping...
So with the culprit fear of the future identified, my friends left me with Jesus for a little open heart surgery....
Jesus.... where did this lie enter in-? that I have to hold onto things, that I fear the future, and need to figure things out to make sure I'm safe, where was the initial wound inflicted - I saw it so clearly, a memory that seems to be the root of several things that had operated in my life. I'm looking at the divorce papers on the kitchen table. As I see the image, I break down crying. I have the mindset of when I was eight. All the thoughts rushed in of "I have to be ahead of the game" "I need to know what's going on around me at all times to have control of what could happen" "I need to think of every possible thing that COULD happen- to be ready in any circumstance..." "I´m not going to be caught off guard, and hurt again..." I felt it all SO heavy on me....
Jesus... where are you? show me where you are in this scene... a few moments passed and I didn't see anything. I started to fear, so I asked again, this time a little more desperately
Jesus... where are you???? Then, all I could see was his garment, because he had his arms wrapped around me so tightly. He said "I want to love you." With his statement, I knew that I was holding onto something that wasn't allowing me to receive his love. -the fear-
So Jesus asked me "Can you give me this fear?" I broke down crying because my answer was "no", the fear was too great, its weight to much, and the fear of not being in control, and empty handed seemed overwhelming to this place that was only eight years old in my mind. As I sobbed, I felt layers of the heaviness lifting off of me, until I was able to say, "yes, I give you this fear of the future, I place it in your hands"
As I placed the fear in his hand, I felt the lightness of the freedom that comes with it, and Jesus said, "I want to lavish you with my love" I felt so free, and like I was receiving his love for the first time to some areas of my heart. This goes along perfectly with the song that I was singing over and over this morning:
"All consuming fire, your our hearts desire, living flame of love, come baptize us, come baptize us... let us fall more in love with you... I want to know how high, how deep, how wide, is love love love"
With the wound healed, it was easy to clean up what remained of the crumbling stronghold.... First, I asked for forgiveness for holding onto the fear, and believing the lies. Then I renounced, rejected, and rebuked the lies and the things that were feeding them. I asked the Holy Spirit to come and deal with anything that was still present.
I felt the tension in my back lifting and in its place warm spots- I could tell that God was using the heat of his fire to burn away anything that the enemy used to hold onto in regards to this.
When Kristy came back to see how I was- everything had lifted except for a pressure and headache at the very top of my head. She had sensed it, and knew and shed light on what it was about.
I had made a decision that I was going to find a man who was going to love me, and I was going to make it work, because I wouldn't be left alone. All dreaming about my future husband, and focusing on that was this weight that God doesn't want me to carry. He want to give me a man who is on fire and madly in love with Jesus, who will treasure me, and pursue my heart, without me needing to look for it...
So we reversed that decision, and I surrendered control about my future husband to Jesus, something that I have been trying to do for MONTHS. It's gone it's in his hands.
There is no more fear of the future- IT'S GONE. All worries GONE. There is just this peace, this stillness, and as I saw oil dripping all over me, God just whispered, "Be still, and know that I am God....Be still.... you will be able to hear my voice more clearly, because the worry that cluttered your mind is now gone."
I feel SO FREE!
I was so grateful and so full of joy I started to write this poem, that one day will be a song...
Free to love
Free to live
as my Lord Jesus did
Not worrying about today
Not worrying about tomorrow
living by His grace for this day
with hope of treasures to follow
lavished with love
no fear in sight
I can depend on my sovereign Lord's might
Freedom reigns where His Spirit is
His Spirit DWELLS WITHIN me
What a glorious restoration besought
A story of true intimacy and love unfolding before my eyes
what once was not clear - now with no trace of cloud in the sky
LIFE
LOVE
FREEDOM
After writing this God told me to look at what I had written earlier today
"A New Day, New Beginings (all caps- as though it was a title). New treasures to behold. Today I will unfold gems before your eyes- and it will be a glorious sight. You will see my glory shining through YOU (The blank space is ME!). YOU will radiate....
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