I love Jesus. I miss Him. I need more.

I've found myself mulling over what Jesus looks like, imagining that day when I can finally be with Him. But tonight was different, it went beyond that for me- way beyond that. I was driving home from Molly's, listening (and by listening I mean singing at the top of my lungs while envisioning it all) to the song
Invisible Love



(number 5)


which starts out

If my arms could reach you, I would never let you go...

and later has a verse:

Someday there will be no time to mind
I will be your long awaited bride
We will dance away the night

I was overcome with such longing in my heart. This DEEP place within me YEARNED for Jesus. It felt almost as if my soul became deeply aware that I've been with Jesus, fully completely, He and I. That we've known each other intimately, in and out. But now misses Him- SO MUCH. Like lovers unable to fully share their affection with each other with an ocean between them. I LONG FOR HIM. Almost to a point where it physically aches in my chest. So I tear up as desire to be with my love increases.

And then my eyes start burning as if I'm cutting onions, and I can only hold one eye somewhat more open than the closed eye at a time. So I ask Jesus for help, and then pull over to cry for a bit. Back on the road I couldn't shake this. I MISS HIM SO MUCH! And just desire to be closer to Him, in a way I've never experienced before.

I pull into the driveway and see that my neighbor's are having a bonfire. And although I've never joined them before, and I wasn't invited, I felt the Lord leading me to join them. So. I did. The neighbor boy, Luke, was playing the guitar with his dad. I asked him if he knew any worship songs. As he played the first song, I was covered with goosebumps, even my face was crawling. Something was happening, shifting, shaking. We continued to sing unto the Lord together- Luke, his dad and I. It was so precious, so powerful, I love Jesus

Running toward forever

I've taken your hand.
We've been running this race.
Help me, O Lord keep up the pace.
The time is ticking,
we are on the clock.
Let's not stop running,
through to eternity, we'll never stop.

Good deeds with empty hearts,
that, I def. need not.
Fill this heart.,
Let it's over flow
flow over this nation, this continent, this world
for your Name's sake.
for your glory, may we never rest.

Now behold I release you from the chains on your hands...see the whole land is before you go wherever you see is good and right to go....

I am no longer in Costa Rica, nor am i yet in Arizona. I'm just here - and I think I might need to combine all of these blogs because I'm thinking that a blog for each place will just be too much. Until I figure something out- I'll just write here....

I tend to only write when I can see the good things or the struggles in light of the good that I see, and when things are tough, refrain from writing.

SO

this needs to change....

yes i have gloves
but i toss them aside
touching the things of the earth,
the leaves, the dirt
mud covered hands,
surface level scratches,

your clean hand stretched to meet mine
with grace filled welcoming eyes.
an invitation
A simple greeting
a simple exchange
an offer to place my soiled hand in yours

I extend my arm
but give you my wrist

I'll give you my hand again
I know I will
teach me

with my mouth I speak
take my hand
take my heart

but letting go
means taking
hold

and i just don't know...

49.365 - This is a Brand New Day on Flickr - Photo Sharing!

49.365 - This is a Brand New Day on Flickr - Photo Sharing!

I just really like this picture

My Open Heart Surgery

In the wee hours of the morning the Lord spoke beautifully to my heart. This is what He said, "A New Day, New Beginings (all caps- as though it was a title). New treasures to behold. Today I will unfold gems before your eyes- and it will be a glorious sight. You will see my glory shining through ____ (I felt a blank- there was something missing here... so I filled it for God with a name of someone who I thought I was going to minister to today). (She) will radiate....

Day continues.
Totally not thinking about what God had said.
He did speak it very early in the morning and a lot has happened since then.
All of a sudden I'm overcome with a NASTY headache that wipes me out, makes me nauseous to the point where I can't even stand. I lay down and cover my head. I rebuked the enemy, and my headache lifted for a brief moment, but then continued. I now realize that yes the source was of the enemy- but the enemy had rightfully gained entrance and place to camp out.... It started as a wound, which turned into agreements, which turned into a stronghold- a place where the enemy has legitimate ground. SO....

Through prayer Jesus revealed to me through some loving friends who were standing with me- that the tension in my body and my head was being caused by something that I was holding onto TIGHTLY. I knew this because earlier I tried to let go of everything, I named it all out- but even thought I had spoken surrender to the Lord, I still held onto them and the fear of the future in my heart.

A little background with my history of fear of the future... It took up WAY to much space in my life! I would always think "what if this...." "what if that..." "what would happen when..." sure I could jump a plane and start a new adventure, but those closest to me can bear witness to the anxiety and fear that loomed strongly with things as simple as packing or sleeping...

So with the culprit fear of the future identified, my friends left me with Jesus for a little open heart surgery....

Jesus.... where did this lie enter in-? that I have to hold onto things, that I fear the future, and need to figure things out to make sure I'm safe, where was the initial wound inflicted - I saw it so clearly, a memory that seems to be the root of several things that had operated in my life. I'm looking at the divorce papers on the kitchen table. As I see the image, I break down crying. I have the mindset of when I was eight. All the thoughts rushed in of "I have to be ahead of the game" "I need to know what's going on around me at all times to have control of what could happen" "I need to think of every possible thing that COULD happen- to be ready in any circumstance..." "I´m not going to be caught off guard, and hurt again..." I felt it all SO heavy on me....

Jesus... where are you? show me where you are in this scene... a few moments passed and I didn't see anything. I started to fear, so I asked again, this time a little more desperately
Jesus... where are you???? Then, all I could see was his garment, because he had his arms wrapped around me so tightly. He said "I want to love you." With his statement, I knew that I was holding onto something that wasn't allowing me to receive his love. -the fear-

So Jesus asked me "Can you give me this fear?" I broke down crying because my answer was "no", the fear was too great, its weight to much, and the fear of not being in control, and empty handed seemed overwhelming to this place that was only eight years old in my mind. As I sobbed, I felt layers of the heaviness lifting off of me, until I was able to say, "yes, I give you this fear of the future, I place it in your hands"



As I placed the fear in his hand, I felt the lightness of the freedom that comes with it, and Jesus said, "I want to lavish you with my love" I felt so free, and like I was receiving his love for the first time to some areas of my heart. This goes along perfectly with the song that I was singing over and over this morning:

"All consuming fire, your our hearts desire, living flame of love, come baptize us, come baptize us... let us fall more in love with you... I want to know how high, how deep, how wide, is love love love"

With the wound healed, it was easy to clean up what remained of the crumbling stronghold.... First, I asked for forgiveness for holding onto the fear, and believing the lies. Then I renounced, rejected, and rebuked the lies and the things that were feeding them. I asked the Holy Spirit to come and deal with anything that was still present.

I felt the tension in my back lifting and in its place warm spots- I could tell that God was using the heat of his fire to burn away anything that the enemy used to hold onto in regards to this.

When Kristy came back to see how I was- everything had lifted except for a pressure and headache at the very top of my head. She had sensed it, and knew and shed light on what it was about.

I had made a decision that I was going to find a man who was going to love me, and I was going to make it work, because I wouldn't be left alone. All dreaming about my future husband, and focusing on that was this weight that God doesn't want me to carry. He want to give me a man who is on fire and madly in love with Jesus, who will treasure me, and pursue my heart, without me needing to look for it...

So we reversed that decision, and I surrendered control about my future husband to Jesus, something that I have been trying to do for MONTHS. It's gone it's in his hands.

There is no more fear of the future- IT'S GONE. All worries GONE. There is just this peace, this stillness, and as I saw oil dripping all over me, God just whispered, "Be still, and know that I am God....Be still.... you will be able to hear my voice more clearly, because the worry that cluttered your mind is now gone."

I feel SO FREE!

I was so grateful and so full of joy I started to write this poem, that one day will be a song...

Free to love
Free to live
as my Lord Jesus did
Not worrying about today
Not worrying about tomorrow
living by His grace for this day
with hope of treasures to follow
lavished with love
no fear in sight
I can depend on my sovereign Lord's might
Freedom reigns where His Spirit is
His Spirit DWELLS WITHIN me
What a glorious restoration besought
A story of true intimacy and love unfolding before my eyes
what once was not clear - now with no trace of cloud in the sky
LIFE
LOVE
FREEDOM

After writing this God told me to look at what I had written earlier today
"A New Day, New Beginings (all caps- as though it was a title). New treasures to behold. Today I will unfold gems before your eyes- and it will be a glorious sight. You will see my glory shining through YOU (The blank space is ME!). YOU will radiate....

I Dare You To Move (Te Reto Mover)

So the week that Kristy taught on inner healing, we had a celebration day. Each of us was to create something with God about what He had done in our lives during the week.

I went to get a piece of cardboard to paint, and I felt God whisper ¨I have something better¨so I didn´t grab the cardboard...

I pulled out a nice big chunk of wall out of some discarded building materials, and I thought it was PERFECT. I got out the paints and magazine clippings and started making one of my famous collages. Again I felt God whisper ¨this isn´t what you are going to present¨ I pretty much said whatever God, as I continued to work on the painting. ¨This is just for you¨I ignored Him and kept working...

As I walked into my bedroom I Dare You To Move by Switchfoot played very vividly in my mind, and I did a little twirl.... O NO GOD... O NO... I AM NOT GOING TO DANCE. I´m going to present this painting...

I listened to the song, and it was like something inside of me woke up, and desired to dance, I saw the first part of the dance - it was going to be the story of the deliverance of my fears, and idols...

But I was so AFRAID to dance, because well, quite frankly I don´t know how...So I asked God, ¨do I have to dance?¨¨no¨ he responded, but I could feel his heart sadden, so I asked ¨Do you want me to dance?¨ ¨Yes¨ ¨Okay, then, I´ll dance...but it needs to be totally of you, you need to be alll over this...¨

As I played the song over and over again, God would show me a little more of the dance play out, but I was missing a big chunk of time...

I went to the celebration and had songs, poems, and artwork minister to my spirit. Then I saw this girl dance, she had such grace, such fluid movement, and I...welll... I started to compare myself and make every excuse for why I should just share my painting.

God stopped me mid stream of though ¨let this dance touch you, just receive from her dance, you have something different to offer¨I had been so caught up and focused on my own dance that I wasn´t taking hers for the beauty that it brought to the room. So I just soaked it all in, and then prayed as I presented mine, that God´s Holy Spirit would empower me,and open hearts and that my dance would be used for His purposes

I gave it everything I had, and as I was dancing God showed me what the last part of the dance, and it was so powerful. Even if it wasn´t to touch the hearts of others, this dance was a prophetic declaration over my life, over my calling, where I´ve come from and where I´m going... With just a step at a time I´m learning to dance.

image source

La semana que ense~o Kristy acerca de sanidad interior, tuvimos un dia de celebracion. Cada uno de nosotros teniamos que creer algo acerca de lo que Dios habia hecho en nosotros durante la semana. Tome una cartolina para pintar, y senti que Dios me dijo "Tengo algo mejor" entonces no use la cartolina. Al rato vi un pedaso de pared entre unas materiales que habian botado, y pense que era PERFECTO.

Saque las pinturas y empeze una de las obras de artes que estoy acostumbrada de hacer. De nuevo senti Dios susurar "esto no es lo que vas a presentar" Y basicamente lo ignore y sigui pintando,mientras que El me dijo que "Esto es solamente para ti" pero aun asi segui trabajando.

Subi a mi cuarto y la cancion "I dare you to move" (Te Reto Mover) de Switchfoot sono tan fuerte en mi mente. Hize un movimiento de baile que salio de mi corazon. ... O NO... DIOS... NO... NO VOY A BAILAR. Voy a presentar esta pintura.

Escuche la cancion, y fue como algo dentro de mi se desperto, y deseo bailar. Vi el primer parte del baile- iba ser una estoria de la liberacion de mis temores y idolos...

Pero, tenia tanto MIEDO de bailar, porque francamente, no se como... Entonces pregunte a Dios, "tengo que bailar?" "no" respondio Dios, pero senti que su corazon entristesio. Entonces pregunte "quieres que yo bailo" "si" "okay, entonces, bailare... pero esto necesita ser completamente de Ti, nesesitas estar en esto"

Mientras que escuche la cancion una y otra vez, Dios me ensenio mas y mas de el baile, pero me hacia falta la parte del final....

Fui a la celebracion y las canciones, poemas, y obras de arte ministraron tanto a mi espiritu. Luego vi esta muchacha bailar, tenian tanta gracia, movimiento que fluye... y yo... pues empeze a compararme, y hice excusas por que debia solamente mostrar mi pintura.

Dios me paro mientras que estaba pensando y me dijo "deje que este baile te toque, recibe de este baile, tienes algo diferente para ofrecer" Estaba tan enfocada en mi baile que no estaba dejando entrar la hermosura que el baile de ella trajo al lugar. Entonces tome de lo que ella ofrecio y luego ore para que El Espiritu de Dios me empodera, y abriera corazones para que mi baile podria cumplir con los propositos de el.

Entrege todo lo que tenia para dar, y mientras bailaba, Dios me mostro el ultimo parte del baile, y fue tan poderoso. Aun si Dios no lo iba usar para tocar los corazones de otros, este baile fue una declaracion profetica sobre mi vida, mi llamado, de donde vengo, y hacia donde voy... con un paso a la vez estoy aprendiendo bailar.