Monday, June 29, 2009

El Alfarero

I arrived at the base to translate in Heredia. The first night was kind of awkward, I didn’t really know what was going on, but unpacked my things and settled in a bit. It was really different and intimidating to be at the base not knowing anyone. But God is so good, he allowed for one of my friends that I had made in 07 be there, it was just a point of comfort in transition, so that I would feel more ubicada.

I woke up at 4:30 the next day! God woke me up 2 hours before my alarm- but it was just enough time to type of my dreams from the night before, go on a nice praiseful run, spend some sweet time with him, and shower before breakfast. AMAZING, GOD WHAT A TREAT TO START MY MORNING WITH YOU

On top of that I was totally lost in worship today and it was so amazing to be able to be so near so saturated with the presence of God. I had prayed that God would help me for it to be just He and I, so that I wouldn’t worry about how other people thought of me, and just do it for Him. And that is EXACTLY how it was. Before the worship leader had started I was already lost from this world and totally experiencing Him. It was simply INCREDIBLE…

I had the opportunity to join with a DTS coming from Colorado to translate during their time of ministry. We went to a place called El Alfarero, meaning “The Potter” It’s a drug rehab center for men. The time that we spent with these men was BEYOND BELIEF. At first they played soccer and as I watched I prayed for them, and God showed me His heart for them in this beautiful vision.

There was a time of sharing and each of the young men shared their testimonies, and it was so INTENSE. Walls were coming down, and people’s faith was being encouraged by their brother’s testimonies. It was so REMARKABLE to be a part of as a translator. I was also able to share the vision, and they were really encouraged by what God’s heart was for them. The DTS leader prayed a POWERFUL prayer that I could feel in my spirit came straight from the heart of God WOAH! POWERFUL STUFF

I feel like my heart GREW in capacity to love and in COMPASSION for these men, and for all of God’s beloved –in just the few short hours we spent with them.

JESUS BLESS THEM, REVEAL YOURSELF MORE AND MORE TO THEM. FATHER, I ASK FOR MORE OF YOUR SPIRIT, MORE OF YOU IN THEIR LIVES. FATHER, I ASK FOR MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO GROW IN LOVE AND COMPASSION.

Time with the Bedenkop Bunch.


I had the special honor of being able to spend 3 days with an AMAZING family who blessed me immensely in the short time that we were together. It was so exciting to do life with them, and dream about our future together in ministry (more on that later). We had sweet times of waiting on God together and they just POURED into my life. I love spending time with whole families. I didn’t have a healthy marriage to be able to model after for future reference, and God keeps blessing me with INCREDIBLE couples to be this model for me.

God really ministered to my heart through them especially the last night and I feel I should share it here. I shared with them the immense paralyzing fear that comes over me when anyone comes to correct me or has a request for me to do something differently. I knew this was not normal, nor of God, and so I asked for prayer. Sarah was given a picture of me as a little birdy in a nest with my mouth open as wide as I could, hungry for love. And when people passed through my life what I would get was just a drop. God didn’t want me to be that little bird, but an eagle soaring to great heights, confident of the love that has been given to me.

We asked God to reveal the place where the enemy first spoke lies over me that I wasn’t enough, or that I was too much. It was something that I had received while in the womb. Then I asked God what He spoke over me and what He repeated over and over and over was, “you are my precious gift the world.” Sarah added that God painted. So she got out everything – finger paints, water colors, colored pencils, markers… etc And I had fun painting as God showed me different pictures of what he spoke over me, what he thought of me, and it was a sweet precious time of Him enveloping me in his love.

This was a day marking endings – the end of searching for love from people, the end to the bitterness and hurt I carried in my heart, the end of the fear of man, the end of comparing my worth to others. It was a day to mark new beginnings- beginning to knowing the height and the width and the depth of God’s love, the beginning of falling so much more in love with him, the beginning of restoration, that I in turn will bring to the nations.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Tilaran

We woke up super early to say goodbye to my mom and Kris, and hit the road with my cousin Joe, my uncle Jorge Luis, my dad, and my sister. We drove some 4-5 hours stopping once along the way to eat breakfast on the beach in Puntarenas. (Pictured is me eating a "granizado""Churchill" "Copo" its made of shaved ice, falvored syrup, powdered milk, and condenesd milk- this one always I had another casado con pescado. We had some very INTERESTING experiences with the people looking for money on the beach. We made it to the little town of Tilaran in Guanacaste and met up with my cousin Sisgo. He works at the ICE (the only telephone company in Costa Rica) he came up with some crazy plan for the land for harvesting energy, so he’s putting it into practice. We went to go see the windmills up the mountain a ways, and had a fun time checking them out and taking pictures. We left fairly quickly and started home on a way that would go around the lagoon, and in front of Volcano Arenal (the volcano that showed in Spy Kids) we saw some AMAZING views on the way home. I slept the whole way home, it was a very nice day.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Down Town


We took a bus downtown San Jose from Sofi’s and met up with the rest of my family at the National Theater. We enjoyed a lovely cup of coffee there (mine was a mango milkshake) and then started walking the streets of the central avenue. We stopped to feed some pigeons. One landed on Kristoffer’s head. We listened to a band who was playing some ACDC and walked some more. We ran into my cousin, and then went to el Mercado to eat a “fruit salad) which is a lot of ice cream with jello and fruit. I had a casado since I hadn’t eaten yet. Casados are made up of rice beans salad meat (I always ask for fish) and some other side. It was SO GOOD! We walked around some more before busing it home. It was the first time my immediate family had a chance to hang out and it was really nice. Kris walked around in the rain holding up just the handle to an umbrella and got a lot of nice looks

Friday, June 19, 2009

Sofi's


Sofi woke up sick, so we nixed our trip to Heredia. I hung out all day here drawing, reading,

Sofi slept all afternoon, and things didn´t start to pick up until her family got home. I love her famliy I love her sisters her mom, her sisters boyfriends – they are all great.

San Rafael again

The Nygards took off, it was really sad to see them leave. But VERY ENCOURAGING to see all that they were able to experience of my culture, all that they learned, all that they grew in the short time that they were here.

Gabby, my mom and I grabbed a bus to Heredia. As we waited in line I saw a really cute guy in red plaid skinny pants, a green grinch hat, and a pierced septum. I saw that he was an Atheist, as one of the patches on his bag read ¨without God¨ And then everything incide of me started burning. I couldn´t hola back, I HAD to aske him why he didn´t believe in God. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn´t so i climed over my mom and sat next to him. I asked, and I listened. I don´t think that I needed to say anything, but I did. It was more important to listen than to try to prove my points to him. I love him, I can´t explain it. But I am moved by compasión to care about him, what he thinks during those few precious moments that we had on the bus. I didn´t preach to him the gospel, he probably knows more Bible than I. I just listened. GOD REVEAL YOURSELF TO ALEJANDRO, HE NEEDS YOU, EVEN THOUGH HE THINKS HE DOESN´T PLEASE HOLY SPIRIT MOVE HIM, TOUCH HIM IN A WAY SO DEEP SO PERSONAL THAT THERE WOULD BE NO DOUBT THAT HE HAS A FATHER WHO LOVES HIM.

We spent the whole morning at my mom´s friend Betty´s house. And then the whole afternoon at Marco´s family´s house. Then I went to Nacho´s. His grandma let me in his house, so I went into his kitchen and scared him, it was great. We walked together toward Ademar´s and Josue´s houses. I found out that Josué wasn´t home so I decided not to check to see if Ademar was there.

This guy walked passed me, and he didn´t take his eyes off of me. Not in a creepy, checking me out sort of a way, but a child’like curiousity. I just stared back to see if anything would happen. Then Nacho shouted in my ear, and I jumped like three feet. The old man started talking about how I could have ended up dead with a scare like that, then this other old man came up behind me. I took a step back so that I could see them at the same time, and the first man told me that he was drunk and that he was looking for Money for more guaro. The second guy told him that he had some, but the first told him to save it for an emergency and went on his way…. It was so wierd….. JESUS, WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?

I talked with Ademar on the phone. It was quite interesting. He told me that I never really know him, which REALLY hurt. It wasn´t like I hadn´t tried, he just didn´t let me in. I broke down in tears at the thought of how many other freinds don´t I know. And what happens if I´m in a relationship and end up marrying someone I don´t know- it scared me… He told me that although he doesn´t believe in exes being freinds he´d give it a try. So he opened up, shared the pains of his past, his struggle with depresión and suicidal thoughts, how he came out of it. I shared with him how after seven and a half years he was the one that by the grace of God had helped me start to step out of my depresión. He shared that we spent some really good time together and he doesn´t regret any of it (even though a year ago he told me he wished he had never met me) It seemed as though we were off to something really good.

Turrialba


I woke up feeling much better, with just enough time to shower and jump in the car. We drove several hours to a town called Turrialba where my good friend from childhood, Tammy lived. There are five of them Tammy, Tony, Becky, Oscar, and Bryan. With the four of us we are nine total, and its ALWAYS a blast. After Tammy got off of work we spent the whole night just catching up. We spent the night and didn´t leave until later the next day.

Day with the Bedenkop family :)

I hopped in a taxi and headed to the YWAM base for worship. I got dropped off at the wrong house, so I had to walk and figure out where the other house was. I finally arrived, but was stuck outside of the gate. I clanked on the gate with my ring for ten minutes, and then I started to sing. As I did, a guy with shaving cream all over his face popped his head out the window and then opened the gate for me. I joined in on some awesome worship – God was there. It was amazing- I sang in a way that I had never sang in my life- it was amazing.

On my way to the other house I ran into Ryan and Sarah, who swooped me off to the US embasy with them. We caught up with everything that God has been doing in us while we waited in lines. There was a time when they went up to the teller window and a song just burst forth from within me. I sang and sang and sang – unashamedly in love with the one whom I sang to. And then I felt like my presence in that room, my singing was really important to the spiritual condition and justice of that place. It was very strange but very neat at the same time.

We went out to eat. I had a casado con pescado and then we went to their house to show it to me and keep talking. We talked all afternoon, and into the evening. My fever was catching up to me, and they finally brought me home, but not before covering me in prayer. They are such a sweet family and I can´t wait to be able to spend more time with them in the coming year.

I woke up from sleep ON FIRE so fever filled that it physically hurt. My eyes were burning my feet everything. I broke down crying because on top of that I had diarrea that BURNED. It was horrible. My mom gave me medicine, and just being in her room talking with them, I felt better. Unbeknownst to her, she spoke a word of confirmation that I needed to decide the next year of my life (more of this to come later)

Setimo Fuego Concert- and Fuegolike fevers...

I skipped church and spent all morning sleeping in order tos ave energy for the concert J I traed to get my brothers, my cousins, or freinds to come with me, but all turned me down. So I hopped on a bus downtown by myself and hoped that I would meet up with the rest of the people who were going to the concert. I had no idea who would be there or how I would recognize them… until I saw a sea of black. There were about thirty adolecents dressed in black with thick eyeliner and big combat boots. BINGO! I approached the crowd and asked them if they were going to the concert. As I waited, I walked around the park taking pictures and admiring the capo eira that was taking place.

I met a couple of neat people who I spent time at the concert with. One of whom actually walked me through downtown SJ to make sure that I got safely on the bus back home :) And another who was the younger brother of some of the band members and friend of my cousin....? eyes…. I don´t get it, I

We filled the bus and made it with plenty of time to spare. The first group to play was Azgad. While they played, the lead singer screamed and I felt as though it ripped through the atmosphere, and penetrated into the hearts of the crowd opening them up to what God wanted to do during the night.

I was sitting (saving energy for the band that I had come to see, as I was still running a fever) when all of a sudden I felt a wind rush through the room. It was one of those Holy Spirit movements, so I turned and I saw that Setimo Fuego had arrived. It was as though with them they brought this presence with them. It was so beautiful.

When Setimo Fuego played, I was front row in front of my friend. I was there totally into it, headbanging and elbowing those moshers who came too close to me. I left with a bruised foot, and hurt ear, but other than that, fully intact. It was really neat to see the crowd so into their band. The crowd hadn't been near the stage for ANY of the bands and then for Setimo Fuego they were all crowded around, and even singing into the mic...

During their song ¨Heredias sangrientas¨(bleeding wounds) I saw little music notes leave guitars, float toward the crowd with bleeding hearts, turn into little crosses, and pick up the droplets of blood that had fallen, carry them to the heart, and act as a stitch to hold the wounds together. To me this spoke of how Jesús is concerned with each drop of blood that we shed, and wants to bring healing to our hearts. Through all of this, a blue cloud hovered over the crowd as they played, it was this healing balm that just rested on all those who heard their music that night.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Dream Conference, and a not so lonely night

I went to a conference about Biblical dream interpretation.

Dreams
  • God use everyday experiences to speak to us of the kingdom of God
  • God wants to open our eyes to see spiritual truth in the natural things we expereince (Jesus spoke in parables)
  • a symbol has meaning from the inherit characteristics
  • symbols can have negative and positive meanings
  • symbols don't always mean the same thing
  • there can be a profound message with a simple symbol
  • The Lord puts several symbols together to make a parable
  • most dreams represent the dreamer, a message to for or about the dreamer
  • dreams will relate to our spheres of influence
  • numbers:
  • 1-begining
  • 2- divided, division, to judge
  • 3-conform
  • 4-rule
  • 5-work
  • 6-image
  • 7-complete
  • 8-put off
  • 9-harvest
  • 10- weigh, measure
  • Symbols can obtain different meanings throught the lens of cultures
  • symbols can have different meaning because of personal experiences.
  • repititious dreams are extremely important

I took a taxi home, and the taxi driver was really interested in what I do in missions, how do I pay for it, what would happen in the case that I were in a relationship how would long distance work out, it was really funny.


I spent the rest of the day sick in bed.

I was really lonely, its so weird in my immediate family would have been checking on me making tea, making sure I was alright. But I could have died and they would have no idea.... it was really sad, so I asked God. God I just need to be lavished with your love right now.

Then I was no longer in my bed. I was in a porcelain tub filled with different spices/ oils that just driped off of my finter tips as I pulled my hand out of the water. The room was full of fragrant aromas, and rose petals floated on the surface. I just melted as I felt God playing with my hair, combing it, and braiding it. WOW I felt like Esther about to go before the king.... :) yay Jesus thank you for your sweet touch.

This is the preparations of Esther:
12 Before a girl's turn came to go in to King Xerxes, she had to complete twelve months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women, six months with oil of myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics. 13 And this is how she would go to the king: Anything she wanted was given her to take with her from the harem to the king's palace. 14 In the evening she would go there and in the morning return to another part of the harem to the care of Shaashgaz, the king's eunuch who was in charge of the concubines. She would not return to the king unless he was pleased with her and summoned her by name.

I HAVE BEEN SUMMONED BY NAME :)

Friday, June 12, 2009

El Portrero

When we arrived home from Los Guidos, we quickly ate and got ready to go to our family’s property.We took our uncles Jeep, and he had us stand up as we braved the rugged mountain terrain.

There we had some amazing tour guides (Santiago and Jose Daniel pictured below), who led us through the lush forest to see the waterfall. On our way back up we climbed what felt to be a straight wall, it was amazing.

Ruthie is a born leader. She would stand in the water and give people hands across so that they could stay dry. It was awesome to see. She would wait until the last person crossed, run ahead and do it again- amazing.

Costa Rica has a central valley surrounded by mountains. We went up the mountains at night to see all the lights of the central valley it was beautiful and we had a really POWERFUL time of prayer calling Eve forth- big stuff.


Hephzibah

Another day at the track, o dear, my body is both pleased and angry at me… but I feel more ALIVE.

We piled into a van and headed to Desamparados (without support – which I have renamed Hephzibah – my delight is in her-Today we went to “Los Guidos” a really poor, really rough town. My cousins all warned us that the only people who go in there and come out alive are the people who live there, and even then chances are slim…

But we went and we met with Pastor Eduardo. He asked us if he could speak a bit with us. The group all decked out in their white shirts with the green lettering “go” listened attentively as the pastor shared and I translated.

He spoke of being able to recognize Jesus in the eyes, in the life of the people we are with, and in doing that we would be able to recognize Jesus in the eyes and the life of the people we are ministering to. He approached Joanna, a normal teenage girl who struggles with identity. He looked at her and he said, I can see Jesus in your eyes. She beamed. Then he grabbed Kris’s hands and looked at his eyes and he explained that it wasn’t by chance that the person sitting next to him was there. That it was imperative to see Jesus in his eyes and treat him as such- the person sitting next to him was Santi- our brother who Kris has been railing on for the past year with sarcastic jokes and lofty distance. Santi looked encouraged as the pastor started talking about Santi and how Jesus was present in his life and could be seen in his eyes.

We sang songs, krist translated for Joanna and Kelly while they shared their testemonies of God's faithfulness, and healings in their lives, and played with the kids. I was given the group of 12-14 year olds. We played hot potatoe and they taught me a game similar to big booty but it was called Juan Juan Pedro. Afterwards we helped serve the food for the food program that they have going on.

There was a boy who ate something like a bite of his plate of food. He was so used to not eating that whenever he did, he threw up. JESUS, HAVE MERCY

Right now the food program is feeding over a hundred kids with only half the budget that they need to adequately pay the cooks. They barely make it month by month, but by the
grace of God they are still there.

JUCUM SJ

Woke up at 5, went back to sleep, woke up at 6 and went running for a few miles with Lisa- awesome, I feel so ALIVE now. Not that I wasn’t before, I’m just more aware of it now after having exerted myself so much.

We were supposed to be hanging with kids at an orphanage, but the H1N1 has people scared, and the ministry of health is not allowing foreign teams to work with kids…. Great…BUT it shows that Jesus has something else in store for us. OPEN DOORS, FATHER

We went to visit the base, and I was greeted by Ryan, a former DTS leader of mine. It was WONDERFUL to see him again. We caught up a tiny bit during the tour – basically that we are walking in the way of the Holy Spirit –WOOOO, MORE LORD As soon as we arrived, I felt that someone was going to be called to do something at the base, I thought it was Rebekah.
<- that's Rebekah paying really close attention while kris, not so much...

At night we had a team meeting, and we had each of the kids take their journals, and write at the top of the page “God, what do you want to say to me” and then they would take it from there. Some kids got pictures, one got a vision, one a poem, one a song, one who speaks NO SPANISH got words like Corazon and te quiero (heart and I love you) – she had never heard these words in her life…. Cool, JESUS, MORE LORD LET THEM HEAR YOUR VOICE MORE AND MORE, LET THEM BE HUNGRY FOR MORE, DESPERATE FOR THAT TIME WITH YOU. OPEN THEM UP TO THE PROPHETIC, LET THEM BUILD EACH OTHER UP IN LOVE.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Wrong Bus... Or was it the Right bus?

While I was waiting at the bus stop, I saw a woman digging through the trash outside of the supermarket, grabing things that they couldn’t sell for one reason or another. And it just burned within me that I wanted to buy her a bag of rice and beans. When I saw burned within in me I’m talking profit Jeremiah saying “If I say I will not mention him, or speak more in his name, there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in , and I cannot.” (Jer 20:9) So I went and bought her a bag of rice and a bag of beans $6-7 dollar purchase. And for me not having much, that’s a lot. So I go to give it to her and she says, set it over there. She didn’t even receive the gift in her hands. So I set it where she had told me to. When I see her next she is waiting for the bus, having left the bag where I had set it.

I was so confused and hurt. Had God not placed it in my heart to do this? Is she not in need of this? Instead of scrounging through the garbage, she had before her a meal. WHY? Why would she leave this? Why didn’t she want it? Was it because I had said God bless you? Was it because she had pride? Was it because I presented it to her with pride? God quieted the questions of my heart, and spoke to me that I had done what he had placed for me to do. I did it with all my heart for Him. And He is grateful, he received this. How she reacts is hers, and has no weight on me. He showed me that this is how many are presented with the free gift of Life – here on this earth, continued into eternity in Jesus- that they need not pay the price for their sins and face death- he’s already paid it- he’s given them the meal, yet still they scrounge around looking for something else in the garbage…

So I got on the bus, only it was the one to the Monte de la Cruz and not las Chorreras like I needed. At first I was kind of upset because I would need to walk a ways and up a steep hill, but then Irealized that God had an appointment for me. So I asked the woman next to her if I could pray for her. She said for her daughter who was pregnant, so I did, but how God works- he placed things on my heart to pray for her. And she rested her head in my shoulder, I could feel that she didn’t have that, someone to confide in and just hold her, so I did, and I saw a picture of God having a big lap and him just folding her in his arms. It was beautiful.

I got off the bus and WALKED and walked. And I felt the need to walk quicker, and as I did God spoke to me of how one day I would need to walk REALLY FAST and with ease to get from one village to another, to tend to medical emergencies – K God! Cool.

So then I see this old man walking down hill hobbling along with a cane. So I cross the road say the normal “Buenas” as you se a stranger walk passed you. Then I asked him about his knee. He told me it was bad and that he used to fall a lot and hit his head, and then he started to walk with a cane. So I asked him, if I could pray for him. “Of course!” was his reply. So I spoke healing to his knee, I told it to come into alignment every cell tissue, muscle- everything- and then I felt a shift in his knee under my hand, I felt his blood flowing through it washing away something. When I had finished with that, he asked if I was praying for the sick, and I said "sure!"

He told me that he was deaf in his left ear. So I asked if I could stick my fingers in his ears, and he said yeah, whatever you want. So I did and I commanded his ears to open, and everything to come into alignment as the way the Lord had created it. His tympani, incus, malleus,and stratus. And as I said that I saw in my minds eye that the connections of these parts of his ear were broken, the middle one kind of sagged farther down from the other two- I saw them line up right. And when I took my fingers out of his ears he said thnk you. I asked him how he was and he said better. So I asked him for real? (many times I’ve encountered that out of politeness people will say yes when really it’s a no) But he was like seriously I hear 100% out of this ear. I told him that it was because of Jesus that he was now healed and that he and his family must give all thanks to him for this.

As I write now, I realize that back in July, Jesus asked me to study the anatomy of the ear, because he wanted me to open someone’s left ear. I would pray every once and a while for this person’s ear and this person who was going to be healed. I was always on the lookout for one, but I came across several right ears, which I prayed for, but not seeing anything happen. It was such a treat to finally see God do something with the word that he had given me 11 months ago. YAY!
I like waking up early. I love sneaking away to be with my lover before the business of the day sets in. Today he told me he was going to bring his peace (not the counterfeit peace that the world gives) and to prepare my mind and my heart because things that I can’t even begin to imagine are going to be taking place. ALRIGHT! It has to do with Jeremiah the end of chapter 32 into chapter 33. AWESOME I SAY YES, JESUS!

We all piled into a little tourist bus, and drove a couple hours through the beautiful tropical mountain side. You could just feel the air resting upon your skin. It felt as though if I stood still enough dew drops would form on me. And the smell OH THE SMELL! Even though I’ve been here a thousand times before, it seems as though my lungs are breathing fresh air for the first time. It crawls up my nose and as it reaches my lungs it opens them up to something new. Beautiful, just beautiful.


We stopped on the side of the road because we ran into two men, walking with two ox pulling an oxcart. The man had a shoulder problem that ran from his shoulder down to his leg – gotta be a nerve or something, so I pray- and he’s healed. He was like huh, I’ve prayed so much before, God must not hear me. I reassured him that this wasn’t the case, but that there are three major blocks to healing.
1)unbelief – we need to have faith that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. That his desire is to heal, to bring healing
2) unforgiveness – bitterness, grudges, all of this – this will block healing
3) disobedience – walking in the darkness gives the god of darkness permission to have his way in your life – and he comes to steal kill and destroy (sickness comes to steal our health, destroy our bodies…. See where I’m going with this….)

I told him that he doesn’t have to meet a certain mark for God to hear him, that Christ has already paid the price, it’s a DONE DEAL, he can’t add not even a drop more blood that’s already been shed on the cross, and that his salvation could be secure – because if we confess with our mouth that Jesus is Lord, and we believe in our heart that God raised him from the dead, we will be saved. Not we have to pray and act really good, and do everything right, and we will be saved. NO. It’s a heart thing. COOL YAY JESUS!

So we made it to the Volcano and it was CLOUDY, we were walking through the clouds (at 7,500+ feet above sea level) And there was no way this thick mass of clouds were going to lift so we could see the crater. SO, of course, we prayed. We prayed not only for the lifting of the clouds, but the lifting of the oppression of woman in this country. POWERFUL STUFF. We waited another hour with no avail, so we turned and walked away, and as we did, someone said, hey look! It’s lifting- So we ran the block that we had walked away and saw the crater- it was awesome.

While there I ran into a carving that I had done 4 years ago... It used to read "Ademar+ Tasha = <3" tasha =" HA... I'm glad that time makes things fade...


Hiking through the jungle, o man, nothing like it. It’s incredible. The vines, moss covered trees, oh man, oh man. I feel like I’m in some fantasy book, and some mystical creature like a nymph or fairy is going to grace us with its presence. WOW! We hiked to a GORGEOUS lagoon, and then back again, and then hit the road again.



I



This is the Kris I know. YAY JESUS, I WANT TO SEE MORE OF HIM


Farmer's Market

Today I woke up early again to spend time with the one my soul loves, I just can’t get enough. It’s like In the Song of Songs where the bride says

“Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce s the grave, its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house he would be utterly despised.” (8:6-7)

My aunt Ailena took Ruth (Joanna’s mom), Joanna, my mom, Santi, and I to the farmers market. I LOVED it, I hadn’t been there in a looong time. I bought Joanna a pipa, so she could try it. We drank them, and they were SO GOOD!

We came home and ate pejiballes YUM!

Lisa, her husband Peter, and her daughters, Bekah, Hannah, and Ruthie, should be arriving any minute now from the airport

I took a nap. And then 6 of us PILED into the back of my cousin Douglas’s car. Everyone in the back seat had someone on their lap. Welcome to transportation in Costa Rica. Below only depicts half of the people in the car...

We got to Douglas’s house (who is Hannah’s brother for those of you who have met her) They had opened the full door (which is a garage door that leads into the living room) the place was FULL of people my family and the Nygards who had just arrived. Trinidad y Tobago. If we would win against Trinidad we would earn 3 of the 17 points that we need to make it to the world cup. We currently have 9 point, with this win we’d have 12 points, only 5 away from securing a place in South Africa.

After an AMAZING WIN on Trinidad’s turf, we went home, and I had a talk with Joanna and Kristoffer. They have been dating for a month, but neither of them are allowed to date until they are 16 years old. SO I explained to them the spiritual position that they are putting not only themselves in, but the whole team, in their disobedience. I explained to them that living in disobedience is giving a doorway for the enemy to enter in and do his thing. I explained that in considering what they want out of this trip that they had three options 1) call it off for the couple of weeks they are here 2) wait until they are 16 3) share where they are at in their disobedience, and present it to their parents for their input.

They went with the 3rd. So we gathered around the kitchen table Joanna started to explain her understanding and the gravity of disobedience, and Kris quickly and quietly interrupted her “Joanna and I are going out” After much discussion, tears, and the like, the rule for 16 still holds. Joanna said that she was willing to wait, because he was worth it, and Kris agreed.

What Kris did around that kitchen table, I think he has NO IDEA of how INCREDIBLY HUGE that was. He confessed a hidden sin. Deception runs deep in our family, especially among the men. Stories of infidelity and kids sneaking around behind their parents back with sex, drugs, and alcohol is a big problem. Kris, being the first born son, of the last born son bringing this out of the darkness is a BIG DEAL. I got this picture of him and light just radiated out of him, touching generations past, present, and future. WOAH…. God’s got BIG STUFF for this guy.

I love tearing down territorial/generational strongholds, and seeing the kingdom of darkness lose control. This is one of my favorite things to be involved in…. FREEDOM woooohoooo!

I later found out that in the house in the back (on the same property) unbeknownst to each other, my cousin Ariel (aka Jeiko) was doing the same thing. He was going before his dad (Tio Juan Carlos) and telling him that he had a tattoo down his ribcage of his mom’s name (Lidieth) in Japanese Kanga. This was a BIG deal for him too. His older brother had gotten a tattoo on his arm once, and his dad took a scotch brite iron wool and scrubbed it out of his skin (tattoos aren’t viewed well here- they are associated with drugs and gangs) So, this last born son of the firstborn son was bringing light into the house next door.

JESUS BRING MORE LIGHT! TEAR DOWN ANY AND EVERY DEMONIC STRONGHOLD IN MY FAMILY. DECEPTION HAS NO PLACE HERE. THIS IS A PLACE OF TRUTH, RECOGNIZING THAT JESUS ALONE IS TRUTH. COME HOLY SPIRIT HAVE YOUR WAY WITH US.

Day at the Sibaja's

I woke up at 6 to Gabi, Sofi’s sister, getting ready work. It was just as well because I was able to spend some really nice time with God, before everyone was up. I was showere and just hanging out by seven thirty. I almost went up to see Ademar at this time, but I thought it would be way to early. So I waited.

I talked for quite a while with Sofi’s mom, Edelma, and we went to go pick up bread frm the Musmani together. I felt like I was walking on clouds the entire time, seeing all the old sites, as I walked almost the exact same route that I used to walk to and from school daily. It was so great. AH I love San Rafael, its one of my favorite cities in the world! After I came home and ate a piece of bread, and a mango shake, I went to the internet for half an hour, and when I got back, Sofi was awake.

Sofi couldn’t come, because her foot is bruised up real bad, having had a heavy glass dropped on her foot by one of her customers at the mall she works at. So she didn’t going me to go see Ademar. My stomach was tied in knots as I walked through the park on the way to his house. And then the words came to mind “even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil” and then the song “I will fear no e-vil for my God is wi-th me and if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear. Oh no, you never let go through the calm and through the storm Oh, no , you never let go of me…” So I know I’m not facing a life or death situation or anything here, but fear had loomed up in me, and so I had to confess that I was giving place and room for what Ademar thought of me, how he reacted to me, to hold a place in my life. So I cut off with all of that, because the only one who can judge me is Jesus, and he is just, he is merciful, and full of grace. SO I continued walking up the hill in the heat of the morning with confidence.

Upon arriving and calling to Ademar, no one came out, I waited, and called again. Then his mom popped her head out of her neighbors house, and invited me in. So I sat and talked with Dinora, and Sarita (Josue’s mom) for a while. After a while I asked if Andres was there, since he had been going there daily to work with Caleb (he’s an architect) And he came out, and I saw him, and we caught up for a while and it was great. I love him so much. He is such a special sweet hearted man. He went back to work, and I headed down the hill toward the park.

While I was waiting at the bus stop, I saw a woman digging through the trash outside of the supermarket, grabing things that they couldn’t sell for one reason or another. And it just burned within me that I wanted to buy her a bag of rice and beans. When I saw burned within in me I’m talking profit Jeremiah saying “If I say I will not mention him, or speak more in his name, there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in , and I cannot.” (Jer 20:9) So I went and bought her a bag of rice and a bag of beans $6-7 dollar purchase. And for me having nothing that’s a lot. So I go to give it to her and she says, set it over there. She didn’t even receive the gift in her hands. So I set it there. When I see her next she is waiting for the bus, having left the bag where I had set it. I was so confused and hurt. Had God not placed it in my heart to do this? Is she not in need of this? Instead of scrounging through the garbage, she had before her a meal. WHY? Why would she leave this? Why didn’t she want it? Was it because I had said God bless you? Was it because she had pride? Was it because I presented it to her with pride? God quieted the questions of my heart, and spoke to me that I had done what he had placed for me to do. I did it with all my heart for Him. And He is grateful, he received this. How she reacts is hers, and has no weight on me. He showed me that this is how many are presented with the free gift of Life – here on this earth, continued into eternity in Jesus- that they need not pay the price for their sins and face death- he’s already paid it- he’s given them the meal, yet still they scrounge around looking for something else in the garbage…

So I got on the bus, only it was the one to the Monte de la Cruz and not las Chorreras like I needed. At first I was kind of upset because I would need to walk a ways and up a steep hill, but then Irealized that God had an appointment for me. So I asked the woman next to her if I could pray for her. She said for her daughter who was pregnant, so I did, but how God works- he placed things on my heart to pray for her. And she rested her head in my shoulder, I could feel that she didn’t have that, someone to confide in and just hold her, so I did, and I saw a picture of God having a big lap and him just folding her in his arms. It was beautiful.

I got off the bus and WALKED and walked. And I felt the need to walk quicker, and as I did God spoke to me of how one day I would need to walk REALLY FAST and with ease to get from one village to another, to tend to medical emergencies – K God! Cool.

So then I see this old man walking down hill hobbling along with a cane. So I cross the road say the normal “Buenas” as you se a stranger walk passed you. Then I asked him about his knee. He told me it was bad and that he used to fall a lot and hit his head, and then he started to walk with a cane. So I asked him, if I could pray for him. “Of course!” was his reply. So I spoke healing to his knee, I told it to come into alignment every cell tissue, muscle- everything- and then I felt a shift in his knee under my hand, I felt his blood flowing through it washing away something. When I had finished with that, he asked if I was praying for the sick, and I said, yeah sure.

He told me that he was deaf in his left ear. So I asked if I could stick my fingers in his ears, and he said yeah, whatever you want. So I did and I commanded his ears to open, and everything to come into alignment as the way the Lord had created it. His tympani, incus, malleus,and stratus. And as I said that I saw in my minds eye that the connections of these parts of his ear were broken, the middle one kind of sagged farther down from the other two- I saw them line up right. And when I took my fingers out of his ears he said thnk you. I asked him how he was and he said better. So I asked him for real? (many times I’ve encountered that out of politeness people will say yes when really it’s a no) But he was like seriously I hear 100% out of this ear. I told him that it was because of Jesus that he was now healed and that he and his family must give all thanks to him for this.

As I write now, I realize that back in July, Jesus asked me to study the anatomy of the ear, because he wanted me to open someone’s left ear. I would pray every once and a while for this person’s ear and this person who was going to be healed. I was always on the lookout for one, but I came across several right ears, which I prayed for, but not seeing anything happen. It was such a treat to finally see God do something with the word that he had given me 11 months ago. YAY!

So I finally made it to see my family numero dos. I was greeted by Yami, and Catalina, and Carla (who I had talked with over face book and emails, and was just now getting the opportunity to meet) Her fiancé Ian was there. They are such a cute couple. Right now both of them are applying to be staff at the YWAM base in Montana next year. Cata was washing her dog, Nacho (from Nacho libre) a deaf boxer who doesn’t answer when called to. Yami and Cata and Carla and I chit chatted for a while catching up on what is going on in everyone’s life.

With a loud crack of thunder it started raining like torrential downpours- my favorite J But I started to pray for my friend Mario (Maruko), Yami’s son, because I knew he was on his way home, and I was praying that he wouldn’t get soaked, wherever he had to get off and on busses. After a bit he showed up and said hi. And then so did Alvaro, Catalina’s fiancé. Yami showed me all of the beautiful jewelry she makes and sells to try to help with some of the costs of living on the mission field. Then I joined Ian, Carla, Cata, Alvaro, and Mario who were watching Wolverine. Then Mario Sr came and I gave him big hug (he gives really good hugs) and caught up a little with him. He brought with him chicken so we all sat around the table to eat. He was asking about what I wanted to do, and where I was heading next, how Africa was, all that good stuff.

Then I was just chilling in the living room, and asked Mario (Maruko) how his school of worship went, what were the most impressionable things, and what God was doing in his life. This went into intimacy with God, hearing God’s heart first for yourself, and then for other people, prophesy. It was really neat and very REFRESHING to have someone talk with about these things here.

I fell asleep on their couch and missed the bus I needed to take down, but caught the next one an hour later and I figured that God had some plan with this too. I met Gabby, Shirley, and Carolina, at the bus stop, and then stopped by Sofi’s to say goodbye, thank you and pick up my stuff. We walked down to catch a bus from La Suiza and Gabby shared with me about the conversation she was having with Shirley about the exsistence of God (all in Spanish for some reason) and then I told her that I felt it was important to go into detail of the conversation, and so she did, giving the example that a person could have been smoking marijuana for five years without having anyone know it, but then some stranger walks by, God reveals it to them calls them out on it, and tells them what God has for them. As she shared this I had Holy Spirit goose bumps all over, and I knew that the example she gave was true of someone on the bus.

We got off and walked and then waited for the next bus, I saw this girl, and then God just gave me this song, and I started singing and more words came and it was this invitation to life, that she was trying to fill an emptiness, hide her insecurities, but that she can come out of hiding, because God wanted to fill her.

Then on the bus, this guy was standing in the aisle outside of my seat and I say a picture of God having this penetrating light, like a white laser going through his body, and cutting out all of this extra black goop that he had covering his organs; namely his heart. So I told him this and how God wanted to take all these weights he’d been carrying around and free him of everything that has been weighing him down, bring freedom. I prayed all of this into him, and then Gabby said that when he was several feet away from us (before I had even seen him) she said that she knew that God had an appointment with him, and that I was going to end up praying for him.

We made it to the airport and talked to EVERY stinkin department that I could, I had left my camera on the plane, and no one had turned it in…. JESUS, WHY? I LOVE TAKING PICTURES, I WANT A CAMERA…. After an hour, my mom, Kris, Joanna, Ruth , and Kelly showed up.

It was a GREAT DAY, I was really encouraged.

San Ra

Today we woke up and got ready to go to the town that I had lived in in ’05, Heredia. My cousin Joe was going to chauffer us around all day, it was great spending so much time with him. He is really neat, he is very personable, and SO easy to talk with. Our first stop was Karen’s house. We dropped in on her and talked for a while and then she served us her famous canalones – o man, so DELICIOUS. She makes really really good food. In fact, in her desperate desire to learn English, she had proposed that she would come over and cook for us once or twice a week, if we would only speak English and correct hers, while she did so. This was how we got to know this loving friend that we now visited.

After that we wanted to stop by the internet café that Marco works at, BUT he wasn’t there and they had told us that he had moved to a barrio called “La Suiza” We knew this area because one of our friends, Geiner lives there. So we went to try to take a shot in the dark, and found Marco near a cafetal (coffe plantation/field) talking with some girl. I went to hug him but he held back because he was all scrapped up. He had just fallen off of a mini motorcycle the day before.


We then went to visit his family, which is always a real treat. They are from Colombia and just so warm and welcoming. It is always good to see them. I shared with them why I don’t have a boyfriend. (which is strange for a girl my age) I told her that I had taken time to really know, and love who I am, and allow Jesus to love me, and develop more intimacy with Him, before engaging with anyone else. I told her of my struggle with finding my identity in others, not having liked who I was, my struggle with depression, and my couple of suicidal moments. My sister had known about my depression, but not my face to face encounters with the decision to end my life. She didn’t know that she was one of the main reasons that I decided not to take my life. And so we cried. It was good. I felt it to be a healing time for me to share about this.

After this Gabby stayed at Geiners, and I went with Joe to see if anyone was at the YWAM base. There was Jason and Gabino, and it was so good to see them  but I was sad because the Sibaja family (my second family –which is a term I use for all of the second families I have Molly’s, Sofi’s, etc- who I had the incredible opportunity to get to know during my DTS 2 years ago. I left a note for them.

I looked for Celso, he was working. I saw Nacho (Jose Ignacio) and he was ALL SMILES, from ear to ear, he said that he never would have guessed that I would come back, and much less that I would come looking for him at his doorstep. It was a really sweet time, nd I’m glad I got to see him.

I went up the small entry to where my ex-boyfriend Ademar lives, and had Joe call his best friend, Josue out. BUT Josue wasn’t there, so I talked for a while with his older brother Caleb, and he was very encouraging telling me that I marked History in our small community (commenting on the fact that Ademar wasn’t going to catch up with me because his girlfriend would be jealous)

I finally went to see my best friend Sofi (If you’re confused, I have several best friends in many countries) and went to hang out with her family for the rest of the night. We talked and laughed and prayed, and cried, it was SO GOOD. It’s neat to be by her side as she is walking uphill in her battle with depression, after having walked there where she has walked. It was so nice.

Fired up, airplanes, soccer

Today was a full day of packing, getting everything in order before taking off. I had everything packed and ready to go at the door by noon, which is a HUGE deal for me because I normally am still packing in the car on the way to the airport….

Kris graduated- and he was looking SO GOOD – so cool with his new faux-hawk hairstyle, skinny jeans, and dress shirt open with tie loosly hanging around his neck. He long-boarded to his graduation. Unfortunately he needed to change his entire look- button up shirt, roll down sleeves, tuck it in, fix his tie- HA- it was great.

I quick headed out to COMUNITAS- an amazing group of spirit filled people who just want more of Jesus. I listened to an AMAZING testimony of a woman in her walk with intimacy with God, had a couple of people who helped get me “filled up, and fired up” for my upcoming trip- it was great- I had never experienced being DRUNK in the Spirit before this moment- but I could tell that God was up to some pretty cool things. This guy prophesied over me that I was going to be doing great and mighty things during this trip, that God was going to draw me even more intimately to him, that it was going to show that I am a daughter of ZION and that I was going to be like a push pop coming forth- it was pretty neat. AND he was saying that people close to me were going to be encountering Jesus YES LORD! THANK YOU JESUS, I CAN”T WAIT TO SEE IT HAPPEN

I was bummed that I had arrived to comunitas late, because I was going to miss worship, but some people started worshiping at the end to- I’m pretty sure I spent like an hour and a half soaking it all in, singing, and receiving different words from God about this season of my life.

I got home around midnight and called Andy to come over and keep me company while I tried to fight sleep. (It seemed ridiculous to psyke my body out, tell it that I’m sleeping when I have to leave for the airport at 2)

We ended up leaving for the airport around three, my bag weighed EXACTLY 50 pounds. I got on the plane and slept. We made it to the airport in Atlanta, and I walked with my eyes closed almost all the way to our gate, listening to my sister who went in front of me. Then I grabbed my brothers board and SKATED IN THE AIRPORT = AWESOME. The floors were so slick, and even the carpet was nice to skate on. Got on the next plane and slept.

By 1:00 we were stepping out of the airport and stepped into the humid tropical air, to greet my grandma, uncles, and cousins. We got home and I hid in the room and started to write and read, and tried to sleep but then I couldn’t.


We were getting ready to go to the stadium to watch the soccer game – US versus Costa Rica. In case you were wondering I went carrying a sign that said “I live in the United States, but my heart is with Costa Rica”
It was an INCREDIBLE game. I prayed with my sister about the game and just seconds later, Costa Rica scored- only two minutes into the game! Then I asked God if he would let us score again, to which he replied- scoring all at once wouldn’t make for a fun game would it? So then the next goal he told me “this one’s goin’ in” –and of course, it did. Then in the second half Costa Rica had a chance at a penalty kick, I asked God to give Costa Rica wisdom and as to how to effectively move where and when, in order to score. They did an awesome play which was finally blocked by the US – (oh I prayed for wisdom for Costa Rica- but it didn’t mean that the US wouldn’t also have wisdom to stop it. So the next chance I had I prayed for wisdom for Costa Rica, and for confusion for the US, and we SCORED! It was an incredible game that ended 3-1 The US only scored in the last few minutes because of a penalty shot. We earned 9 points leaving US with 7 and if we win against Trinidad y Tobago on Saturday we will have secured a spot in the World Cup. My favorite part of all of this- I went to the game with God- what a great date 

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Generational Walls

So God placed today on my heart like 3 months ago, and I didn't know how it would all play out, but it did, and it went REALLY well.

I need to share a little bit of background first

11th grade year our youth pastor was INCREDIBLE. He offered me something that every fiber of my being yearned for. In his hands extended to me he held LIFE. This had been offered to me before this in different shapes and forms throughout the years prior, but I wasn't ready, I didn't get that I needed it. Those were years when I cared about what I wore, what people thought of me, what guy I could get to pay attention to me- all that junior high stuff..

But Scott was sharing LIFE, PASSION, Desire for something greater- for a story bigger than myself. Whenever he spoke, my heart would do flips inside my chest and whisper - that- that's it- that is what you have been NEEDING all along.

He met with a few of us in the mornings on Sundays asking us about the direction of the youth group challenging us to grow in our walk with God. He asked us questions like what is God saying to you right now, we'd spend time listening and then share, it was a learning growing experience, and my relationship with God just FLURISHED.

He told us that God was presenting him with two options with the youth group- In one hand he could continue doing fun and games drawing more people to the youthgroup OR He could share some deep heart-challenging stuff and we would lose LOTS of people, and slowly gain more. He let us in on this decision- after all he was training us all to be leaders. And without hesitation we all chose the second option.

We were making tons of plans with the youthgroup.

And then one day - He doesn't show up- Instead one of the women at our church is reading a letter about being sorry not to be able to share this himself, but that he would no longer be our youth pastor WHAT? This left many of us, dazed, confused, hurt, and many-like myself- without that sense of direction.

Prior to this Scott and a few of us had been meeting discussing a book, and picking apart our Chrisitanity. During one of these meeting the topic at hand were movements that started, but when a leader was taken out, the movement stopping. Because they didn't get the point, they didn't see the bigger picture.

So - with this- I strived to see the bigger picture
I saw Scott as someone who was carrying this big flame, and he was passing it on for us to carry. I had done that initially- but soon that flame flickered and grew cold- to the bitterness and unforgiveness that was hardening my heart to some leaders, and my church. I was angry- I had an opportunity at life, at leadership, at passion- but because I hadn't fully grasped this on my own- it was all gone now...

BUT

God is good, and what he starts, He brings into completion. Yes it took a couple of years, and here I sit- fully alive- with this passion that at times I just can't contain- with a desire to share it with others. For their eyes to be opened to a story much greater than our own. There was a process of dethawing letting that bitterness go, forgiving my offenders, even though they had no idea of the offense that was made against me - my place in Christ, myself as a leader, as a voice to be heard, as a heart to be sought after. I forgave my offenders.

3 years after this whole fiasco and about half a year after fully being able to forgive- God presents me with the fact that the leadership were not the only ones at fault. I was guilty of having harbored bitterness and resentment. So greived, I went before my father, I acknowledged that I was at fault for holding such horid things inside me for far longer than needed to be. And I asked him to forgive my generation and any future generations that I could stand in the gap for who had faced similar situations

I felt like Nehamiah, asking for forgiveness of his forefathers, who had left the wall in Jerusalem unbuilt.

Once this was all done- I had this URGENCY - I NEEDED to ask for forgiveness from the church leadership I needed to right this wrong. I needed to own all the crap from my generation, and generations prior to me. I knew that if I didn't- the upcoming movement within the youthgroup would be ATTACKED by the stronghold that satan held in this.

I shared this with my mentor. She had sensed that there was something looming over the youth group, but since she is newer to the church, had no idea what it was. So she started talking with the leadership trying to arrange something.

So today I met with one of the elders- the one in charge of the Scott situation...

And it was amazing! I shared my story and I asked for forgiveness for offenses held in the hearts of my generation. As I did, God whispered to my heart, "this is leadership." I was forgiven, and following this, I was asked for forgiveness on behalf of the church for how the situation was handled. WALLS came down in the spiritual realm I felt it.

The coolest things that was said to me was that I got what Scott had offered me. He could see it in my eyes. The fact that I was sitting before him today was testimony to that. I had taken a hold of that life that he offered and made it my own. That passion was in my eyes.

As he prayed he spoke of how in my hand I held justice and peace, and I didn't even see them in my hands because they were also a part of me, they were in my body they were in my eyes.

Cool.
I love shaking things in the heavenly realms
Pushing back the powers of darkness, and letting the light of the Kingdom of God shine forth

Pack. Unpack. Repack.

That's what's going on.
I'd like to finish reading Eat Pray Love so that I don't have to bring it with the 3 other books I'm in the middle of reading.

Nervous.
About seeing Ademar, and his girlfriend.
Butterflies in hopes of something new
Dread of being guilted into doing things that I don't want to do, and miss going to see people and doing things that I want to do.

Excited.
To see all my friends
Catch up
to smell costa rica
to experience it in all its beauty
to see what God has in store for me during this time

Stressed.
About my packing

Not looking forward to
waking up at 2am - i might as well not sleep - need to find things to do to keep me awake.

Will be at ease.
when I'm on the plane

Hopeful.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Just a cloud blowing through on a windy day

Being back has been a real treat, being able to spend time with AMAZING people has been truly INCREDIBLE.

BUT...

During these past three days these emotions surfaced, whose origin or purpose I can not understand. This caused much frustration along with confusion, as I attempted to untangle this mess of tangled ball of yarn that is my head and heart. And the fact that I had to sit and start pulling string after string over and under and through for endless moments trying to make sense of this mess, I had this underlying feeling of shame- I know I shouldn't but there it was, like Jehova Witnesses or Mormons looming at my doorstep- I don't want them there, but they are. So I communicated all of said situation with the party/ies directly involved to which logic and reason, as always, was delicately exposed. Through this I saw the person/s find the end of the string pull every knot and twisty loop into one strait thread, which was proceeded to be wrapped neatly into a ball, and placed back in my hands. The end piece was still a bit tangled, but this interaction brought such clarity and peace, though frusteration with the fact that all of these emotions still were hovering over and in me. It was communicated to me that this is just part of a growing opportunity to which I would gain expereince for similar situations that may rise in the future. That shame need not be a piece of this "mess" as it isn't really a mess, but part of being human. Okay. I can take that. It makes sense. So I go home with two pieces in my hand, one neatly rolled ball of yarn, and in the other the gnarled up end piece, with one short strand connecting each. Upon more introspection, I am able to identify additional sources, factors contributing, and as I verbalize these, it just lifts, its gone. Had I kept all of this inside, it would have been like a covered pot on the stove that will just continue to heat up, and as the water churns violently inside, bubble over. Speaking such things out brought them to just pass by, like a cloud on a windy day.

I'm so glad the wind picked up today

.